Just because we make things look easy, does not mean things are easy. Dear World, please be kind?
I have a million things to do and yet here I am, fumbling for words, trying to describe how I feel. I know I promised this blog will be all positive and cheerful and happy and whatever! I’m sorry everyone. I just had to write and get this off my mind, try to make sense of things, so I can create space for more important things. I will try to figure this out later. This might be another silly musing and feeling. I have a lot of these silliness lately. I know all you moms would understand all the words I wasn’t able to write here, all the feelings and thoughts I was not able to express.
When you become MOM, do not expect nice words. Do not expect flowers. Do not expect appreciation. Do not expect serenades.
I am feeling deeply sad these days. Might be what they call “baby blues?” I don’t really know. It is not postpartum depression. I have been researching about it. I don’t have the symptoms. Articles about postpartum depression says “wanting to harm yourself and the baby.” I’ve no such thoughts. But I feel like I’m slowly dying. So I’ve been trying to figure out where this sadness is coming from. Maybe I’m just really physically tired.
When I was in labor in uber car, stuck in traffic for three hours – I was working. Yes, I was answering business correspondence in the middle of extremely painful labor to take my mind off the pain. Every contraction – I would say a breath of prayer. I am not religious. I can’t even remember the last time I prayed. But that night I prayed. I prayed to God to extend my life. I prayed not to give birth in the cab. I prayed to reach the hospital alive. But I told Him “Thy Will Be Done.” If it’s my time – my only request from Him was to keep my younglings safe, happy and warm. And to please not allow them to be like Cinderella, who ended up with a horrible stepmother.
The next morning after my CS operation – I was already working, in bed, but answering business correspondence. The day after that I was already up and about, forcing myself to walk around despite the pain from the CS cut – and working. And the day after that, and the day after that, fast forward to a month after giving birth (present) – I’m still working. Come to think of it. I haven’t rested. I just continued working and working and working. Yes, maybe I’m just physically exhausted.
We mothers – are our worst enemy. We criticize ourselves to the max, perhaps for fear of others’ criticism or perhaps our quest for perfection, or maybe simply our OCness. What I am learning now is – how we treat ourselves set the standard of how the world and the people around us treats us. We put our own welfare and happiness last – and the world follows. We take ourselves for granted and the world follows. The world, perhaps the whole universe, takes its cue from us.
Today I will express what I feel. Tomorrow I will start treating “ME” better. I will be kind to myself. I will try to eat on time, sleep some more and spoil myself a bit. Dear World – please be kind?
Today I would like to say thank you to my mom and my mom-in-law. I am beginning to have a glimpse and realization of what these women had gone through in their balancing act to take care of their children, be a wife, create a home, keep friends, earn a living to add to the family’s pocket and other things. I say, “glimpse” because I know there are more that I do not understand. World – please be kind?
To my mom and mom-in-law:
Thank you for sacrificing your body. I never understand how a woman’s body can suffer from pregnancy, how much pain it can bear during labor and childbirth. These are things that people – whether your own children or your husband or friends will never understand unless they have gone through the same experience. There are no words to describe the pain that wracks the body.
Thank you for sacrificing your beauty. The loose belly, the weaker bones, the forgetful mind, the falling hair and balding head, the swollen feet, legs, hands and face, the scars from caesarean cut or the stretch marks, the dark underarms and neck due to hormonal change, everything your body has to go through that makes you look “losyang” and haggard and not pleasing to the eyes. I told myself when I was single, I will never allow myself to look “like that” – looking at moms who gained weight or who still have “puson,” or have messy hair, or looking “losyang.” How ridiculous of me. Now I look all of those.
Thank you for sacrificing your time. TIME indeed is the most important gift of all.
I highly admire women who can go to work and leave their kids to the care of other people. Does that mean they are stronger than I am? I can barely bear it when my younglings cry. I run to console them. I drop everything I’m doing to hold them.
I say I love you as much as I can hoping they will remember how much I love them when they get older. I want to say it often enough that all of their senses, every flesh and bones in their bodies would remember they are loved when I’m gone.
Thank you for sacrificing your careers. All those job offers and career opportunities you have to turn down because your children, your husband and your home had become your most important priority in life.
I don’t have enough words. But I know you moms can fill the blank spaces.
Tomorrow I will be kinder to myself. I promise to comb my hair, stay a little longer in shower, perhaps get a massage, a mani-pedi and buy myself flowers and chocolates. World – I hope you’ll see and be kinder to me as well.
Tomorrow I will be kinder to myself. And hopefully it will start a chain reaction and the World will be kinder too.
Reminder to myself: